Sunday, July 4, 2010

A cautious post...

There's a realistic fear of posting thoughts and feelings that anyone can read.
So how to say things without sounding like a bitter person, I'm not sure.
I think the issue is how to deal with the fact that my own Church that I've been a part of for the past 21 years let me go. To be fair, the job was only supposed to go through April but the campus pastor liked what was happening so I was asked to stay on only to be let go a month later. It was all very corporate. "We like you, We couldn't have been more happy with what you've done but your last check is on the 15th". When you get fired from a corporation, it's simple you are not supposed to keep going to that building and hang out with the employees. A Church firing is a whole different ball game. Now I go to Church and am not a part of what's going on and then I see the peeps that made the decision to let me go. How do I not take that personally? Being in a church situation, am I allowed to gripe? Am I not seeing the bigger picture? Am I supposed to just accept it and hang around like nothing happened? I'm very confused right now.
Part of my thought process was hoping that this would be a vehicle to get me out of the bar. I have been praying for that for a long time so to have it taken away and actually have to ask for more shifts flinging drinks, makes for a grumpy Doug.
I am trying to be faithful and I want to vent but feel like I don't have the right. I am trying to stay "up" for Kim but I have to admit I want to scream at times.
There's another sobering reality. I can't really hang at the new campus. When I took over, it would have been awkward having my predecessor there diluting any authority. I need to step back and let the new guy do his thing. There are five services at the main campus but with my increased bar hours I can't play there either. All our other campuses are too far away to really contribute so there's not much for me to do now.
A very odd situation to be in. The folks in my band have been incredibly supportive and we are playing one of our remote campuses this coming week so I am very excited about that.
So there it is...
I am trying to get out of my funk but I'm not sure how to to that.
I'll bounce back, be patient.


Anonymous said...

Oh, man, I'm sorry. And you're right - it's not supposed to happen this way.

My first piece of advice that you didn't ask for is to take a break - worship somewhere else for a while. Take a month or two and visit some other churches. I'd advise against going to just one while you're on the rebound. It could seem like the perfect place for you, but your vision might be clouded by what just happened. But quit tearing open the fresh wound.

After a while, you may want to go back and see what it's like as a civilian. It will definitely be different, but the passage of some time might make it more acceptable.

And from the Bible, I think of Moses who was not allowed to enter the promised land. He still remained faithful to God. Not perfect, understand, but not headed in the wrong direction. This is not license, nor is it pre-approval for whatever you might do. But just remember who is in charge of all this. And how much bigger He is than any of this stuff.

David laid his heart bare to God in the Psalms - some praise, some "bash the children of my enemies against the rocks". Through it all, he praised his Creator and Redeemer. That part of his life was constant.

So blog some more. Journal stuff. Take pictures, write songs, be creative. Take some time to regroup and refresh.

This is big - foundational - but it's not the end of the world.

That happens in 2012.


Angie said...

I don't know if we ever told you how this sorta happened to me at the church in Wheaton. I threw my hat into the ring for a music director job that I was well-qualified for. . . but was passed over for a variety of reasons. Some of those reasons crippled a couple of friendships.

We kept going. I don't know why. We just did. It was hard. I know you have to really stretch to believe this - but I cried. . . a lot. :)

God really does know what He's doing -- and I have to trust Him on your behalf. He knows whats best for you, Kim, church, etc. But right now - it's kinda hard to see or comprehend what *that* is.

I'm proud of you for blogging about this. You need to get things out of your system. And, it was a sensitive topic. You did very well handling just enough of the details without "outing" someone. :)

I love ya, my friend. Any time you want to come to TN and do a "gig" with us - that'd be great.


Doug said...

Thanks Steve....great council.
A little time away might be the right choice here.
Yes Ang, very similar feelings I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

So how's your head and your heart?

Doug said...

Both are a bit conflicted...
Being categorized as old has me pretty angry I must say. The church is still working on finding the right young person to take on the job of arts director and college outreach.
They only have about 5 weeks to get it together before the campus launches. It's also hard to deal with being taken off all church staff communications. One staff person has reached out to see how I'm doing. I won't be going to the new campus but my band will be playing there once a month. The entire music program has been killed so we all have to audition again. So from going from music director to audition meat again is weird. I have no problem with auditioning again, I am very confident in what I do. the hard part is we are auditioning as a band not individual players. Our schedules and the audition schedule are not lining up so they may not have us until after they launch. That's ok by us but they have told us they wanted us to play on launch day. I don't think that's going to happen. so NOW we have a nice mix of hurt feelings, politics and a stressful launch and I have to admit. I'm not enjoying it. On the up side our band is going to be playing a few other churches.

Anonymous said...

I think you're headed in the right direction. This is messy, and will take a while to sort out. You recognize this, and aren't trying to force the resolution to come too fast. Sounds like there's still other stuff in play (from them, and for you). You have to live with you, for the rest of your life. "They" have been big, but don't live inside your skin. They may do great (and more power to them - I'm never against spreading the gospel), or they may run into time compression problems. It's their dealie.

I'm glad you're still with your band, and that you guys are going places. That's a positive energy creator.

Maybe it will all resolve nicely, maybe it won't. You have done the right thing. Keep it up.